Flying Solo

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Finally flashing in public

WE MADE YOU
EMINEM
[RELAPSE]

I love Eminem. "... You're a rock star, everybody wants you!"

Anyways, I'm no stranger to blog. But I'm quite a stranger to a public blog I guess. The last time I had this public blog was about, 2 years ago? I've already archived the rest pst 2 years blog somewhere else, cos' its a little too over for public blogs. There're some things, I wouldn't want people to 'pounce' upon I suppose. So they're just plainly for my reading, till the day I die. (:

So here's a video to celebrate my long-time-no-public public blog! At least I don't put up my blog URL all plastered all over my MSN nick, publicizing it.



I love the 3rd one the most. Initially, I was wondering what the fuck was that. I thought it was some atomic bomb of some sort! Well, that's how Stephen Chow usually depicts his bombs in his movies. I grew up watching his movies man.

When I found out that what that the huge silver stuff was actually a dildo, I couldn't help but think how cute that kid looked while playing with it. I mean after all, HE LOOKED REALLY HAPPY MAN... Uh-huh, I got to stress the man word.

So I'm single. And I'm not looking. I still love my boy, and deep down inside, I know he's not coming back to me. Its ok. I've been through this before, and though I've cried my eyes out many times, I'll be ok. If he's really not coming back to me, then its career and studies for me already, I guess.

I'd be concentrating more on what to study, and planning my next time in my job. I can't possibly be waiting for time to go by, waiting for this economy crisis to be over. Instead of waiting, I could make use of this time. But do what? I don't know.

I need more time to think, I think.

Earning whatever I have right now, surely isn't enough for me to spend. Nothing is ever enough for me. When I was in Secondary school, I was given $5 everyday as my daily allowance. I used to envy classmates who have $10 a day and they could catch a movie everyday single day without fail only if they don't have anything at school. Whereas for my case, I got to starve for 2 days before I could catch a movie.

Finally when I was in poly, I got $10 a day. And I felt it wasn't enough. I wanted to get clothes. More and more and more of them. Wearing something twice to me, was "worn alot of times already". I was such a spendthrift. And I never once flinched at that thought.

I keep telling myself, with such a high budget, I got to earn more for myself. And I used to think $1000 a month could well be enough for me. However, it isn't. Right now, I still don't have enough to spend. The pair of shoes that I've had my eyes on are going to run away right under my nose again.

Oh wells, isn't the first time. I shall eye for another pair.

I thought things were going to turn out pretty fine this morning when I woke up. I cried over the phone again last night just talking to him. Even if he isn't irritated, I'm irritated with myself. No suprise, since I secretly hate myself sometimes. I never thought I was pretty or skinny enough or had enough hair on my head. I lacked self-esteem. And that's something no one knows of.

Sometimes I wish I had a beautiful sharp nose. I think that is somehow the mos outstanding feature and with a nice shaped nose, everyone could be beautiful. That's why nose-jobs are so common. Oh wells, like I said. I'm never satisfied. I'd probably want a nicer pair of eyes if I had a nice nose.

Never mind. For today, I'm happy with whatever I have. We'll talk about tomorrow, tomorrow. :)

I was chatting on the phone this afternoon at work with Hamdi. I was wondering if he wanted to meet. I was dying to meet him actually, I wanted to hug him suddenly. I just wanted to know if he'd hug me back. But he said he was tired, and that we didn't have any plans for us, no extra helmet for his bike... Yadda yadda...

He didn't know what I really wanted was to see his face and give him a nice hug. Who cares about his stupid bike.

So I just put down the phone, giving an excuse that I needed to finish my work. In actual fact, I didn't want my colleagues to see me cry. I'm not really a crybaby, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I just can't take it. Everytime I cry, I really feel hurt. I can't keep my tears like some others, who will cry only when they can't take it.

I probably can't take it all the time. I'm a lonely soul, and that makes me really weak I know. I'm after all, just standing alone.

Went to meet my mom after work for our usual dinner, and she was having a haircut. Makes it tempting for me to get my hair cut too. So I booked an appointment with Glenn this Saturday to have my hair trimmed. Knowing that for the first time, Hamdi wouldn't be with me. Hamdi never liked the fact of me going alone to Glenn's place to have my hair cut. But this time, I'll be going by myself because Hamdi's going to have his Bloco practice at I don't know where and I don't want to know where.

I really hate Bloco. And I don't know why I felt a little glee in me when he told me he could really feel my hatred for Bloco. I really hate it. Stupid percussion group.
They stole my ex-boyfriend.

So I pretended that I didn't know how to get to Glenn's place without Hamdi's bike, so that I can have an excuse to call him and tell him that I'll be going there ALONE. So just fucking leave Bloco, and accompany me if you really feel unsafe and uncomfortable for me, if you really love me.

Yet again, I'm left with another bout of disappointment when I called him. 2 in fact. One, he volunteered to go home and check out how to get there by bus on the net for me. I'm not an idiot you know. I could've done that myself. I'm not handicapped to the internet.

Two, he was in school with his friends watching a movie. I'd rather be his friends if they could stay closer to him than I could. Didn't he say he was tired, and that he didn't had any plans for us? Maybe I should clean my ears.

And lately, I've been doing something childish. When I was younger, in secondary school, I used to listen to songs and 'imitate' whatever they do on MTV or say in their lyrics. For example, I'd make myself look as miserable as possible after a tiny fight with my dad, just so I could make myself as similar to Lindsay Lohan's Confessions of a Broken Heart.

HAHAHA! I was so silly. And now, these days, I've been sleeping with Hamdi's jersey at night, and not washing it (because I couldn't let my mom know about him). Just to be closer to him, like Shontelle's T-Shirt.

I've lost my entire mind. *flings arms in the air*

Just now on FaceBook, a certain Bud Young fella came chatting with me. Goodness, I don't even know this guy. Or maybe I do, but I don't remember him. And he was somehow connected to Hamdi. So I asked Hamdi on purpose, who this guy was. Hamdi's reaction was "Oh I know this guy..." ... As if I didn't know that.

I'm on the phone with him now, and he tells me he wants to go and jog. Yah whatever. I no longer hear him say, "I want to meet you" anymore. That's sad. Sometimes, I wish he'd stop calling. And when he really does stop calling, I'd keep looking at phone, waiting for a miracle.

And when that miracle really does happen, we'd end up fighting. I should be locked up in an asylum, because I can't make up my mind. And before I make up my mind, I do crazy things.

I am very very sad. See, I'm on the verge of tears again.

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by pammie! at 8:47 PM |