I'm runnin' out of patience cos' I can't believe what the hell I'm hearin'...
Good morning everyone. My clock now shows that its 19 minutes to 12PM. So I've got to make use of this Saturday morning that has already half-wasted by my sweet slumber.
I was supposed to have my facial at 1230PM, but Esther's not feeling well, so I'm going to have my appointment either on Tuesday or Thursday. Then, I guess I'm going to have to postpone my tuition to Monday and Tuesday/Thursday. My skin's condition is pretty much a wreck right now. Well, no suprise since I've got to cake my skin with make-up 5 days a week. And I don't have a good complexion to start with.
Talking about face and make-up, I've received this email from a friend regarding lipsticks. And man, I feel dead already, after reading the email. I suppose some other females have read about it before.
This lipstick information actually came from some Toronto doctor who works in a certain Mt. Sinai hospital, where he's under the breast cancer department. In a nutshell, its talking about lipsticks that contain high amount of leads which could cause cancer, especially breast cancer. I don't know if its a hoax email or not, maybe this guy/girl who circulated this email has a problem with high-end brands, but hell, I love my breasts. I am not going to risk using lipsticks that will give me breasts cancer or any other cancer.
Christian Dior Lancome Clinique Y.S.L. Estee Lauder Shiseido Red Earth (Lip Gloss) Chanel (Lip Conditioner)
So what's left... I don't know. After all, I'm only stuck to BodyShop, cos it feels like the only make-up that doesn't corrode my face further (fow now). For sure, I feel dead already because I've been using this Dior lipstick and lip gloss for the longest time already. And its finishing soon... :(
I wonder how much lead I've already swallowed. Eee...
Waiting for my dad to come home, then I'm going to drive the car to fetch my mom from work. Hopefully, today I'll make no more mistakes on the road. My dad's been so patient with me for the past few weeks that when he shouted at me last week, it totally scared the shit out of me. And I was stuck in the middle of the road, hogging the rest of the cars, IN THE MIDDLE OF CTE. I so totally deserve my license. :)
After which, I'm going down to Chinatown complex to get some beads to make my 3-tier necklace, to sell to my mom's colleague. Like hell, I'm excited to get my hands on this thing, and have the extra money come back to me. :D
My aunt's always been making me necklaces for me to wear and all, ... I feel like I owe her so much. I love her! :) Since I was a little girl, I've been showered with gifts by her. She gave me whatever I wanted, even when I say, I don't. Even till now. And even when I'm working with her now, she'd shower me with food. And I was always end up not paying for them. So right now! I've got to be independent and pay for my auntie too!
Chey... I talk as if I'm going to start selling necklaces for a living. I still need my auntie's help in guiding me. :D
Booked some tickets to watch Monsters Vs. Aliens too, since Tuesday. The 725PM, 3D one at The Cathay. Was supposed to watch it with Hamdi. But I think I'm going to have to watch it with someone else today or maybe just give them away. He blew it. Its not my fault.
He lied to me yet again, over and over again yesterday. All of which I uncovered, and he wasn't happy with it. He thinks I'm some 3 year old kid. Even 3 year old kids wouldn't buy his lies anymore.
I'm pretty tempted to ask Ima, whether Bud Young would be free to go catch a movie with me today. But then again, why stoop myself this low? I'm single now. I'm being lied to. I still have myself.
Like the saying goes, I am my boyfriend.
I'm going to learn to love myself more. So what if I bought couple seats, even though I'm alone? Now I know I wouldn't have to put my bag on the ground.
Buy things for him... Does he even appreciate it? I could've gotten myself bags and shoes that I've set my eyes upon. Pamper myself with some spa treatment.
I woke up this morning feeling what a fool I am. He has already walked away to find his life. Why am I still here clinging onto him? I have my own life too. If he could walk away, and have his own fair share of fun, I could too. After he left, that path I'm taking has been sealed off, with the words "its over" spilt all around it.
First, my A/O said I was lazy. Next? I've a group of A/O coming against me. Seriously, what have I, a temporary staff did to cause so much turmoil?
I felt so accused when I called her over the phone to chat about it. The things I heard from her felt like a sharp cut through my heart. Ever since one of the temporary staffs left, I was made to collect the leftover shit. And now, this shit automatically turns into the result of me not concentrating at work.
Alright, I do admit that I did made quite a number of mistakes. But to be fair, I think anybody doing my work would have done mistakes. And no one told me about the impact of the whole situation either. No explanation, nothing. I just happened to hear about it.
Then I realized that everything turns out to be my fault. No. I am not happy at all. Because I felt blamed for the whole thing, when my contribution to this stupid impact is not much. Just because I had to take over someone's work after they left, all the wrongs made became MY wrongs. Hello?
And about the not concentrating, and chatting. I would really love to tell whoever, that I DO NOT engage in long conversations with whoever they think I'm so-called close to. The only long conversations I do engage with are the other 3 colleagues surrounding me.
I feel upset. Like my dreams have just crashed and shattered in front of my very eyes. I had a talk with my dad and my mom just now. Broke down, as usual. But still, I feel horrible.
No mood for work tomorrow, but I just have to. And this time, I got to concentrate more at work.
I just came back from a movie with Hamdi, Night At The Museum 2. I love that movie! It would make a great family-kids movie, and I'm telling you, I think Ben Stiller is starting to look extremely hot to me. HAHA! I used to be only attracted to his character, which I call the cheebye attitude. I laughed like a pig throughout the whole movie. Although it all seemed pretty rushing to me. Slap-stick comedy, I must say. Arh, go watch it yourself. Its worth it. :)
This afternoon, I was off at RP the whole day. Waiting for Hamdi to finish his class. Its kind of like a waste of my time... But, oh wells. I thought it'd be worth it. I've been looking forward to today for a long long time already. Probably since last week. Thought I could spend the whole day with him and all, have dinner, catch a movie...
But Izzah just had to ruin everything.
When I say I hate someone, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. People say I'm childish, that I should forgive and forget... That life is too short for anger and misery. Thing is, I don't have any thing to be happy about to fill up the space for anger and misery.
Ever since I got into a relationship, I've been rather alone. I won't deny it. I've lost my friends. Of course I do have people to chat with when I'm online and all. When I feel lame, I do have people to chat with. But when I want to cry or when I do have something happy to share, there's this emptiness in my heart that's unfilled. For example, last Saturday, I was so lost at Holland V., crying alone by myself outside Swensen's. It was so embaressing, I didn't know who to call, what to do. And I just dialled for Mira.
Maybe its fate that made me call her, since coincidentally, she saw Hamdi too. But never mind about. Thank you anyways, Mira. :)
I'm jealous of people who could tell me, I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight cos' I broke up with my boyfriend.
Because I can never say that. When I break up with my boyfriend, I'd either cry my eyes out at home, or go to Orchard Road and wander alone, slowly, without any aim. Yea, its no doubt pathetic.
Talking back to Izzah, she sent an SMS to Hamdi about Bloco. Yes... Bloco again. I hate it, more than anything else. And I didn't understand why Izzah had to be the one who SMS Hamdi. I just have this thing against her, that makes me want to just... Find faults with her. In simpler terms, I hate her like shit.
When I was taking a bath just now, I was figuring out what to do with my relationship with Hamdi now. Sometimes, I feel like I want to save it. But at times, I really do feel like throwing in the towel. It goes back to the problem with trust. Though I keep telling myself that he loves me, I don't believe myself. Much less, believe him.
I brought everything upon myself.
So after Hamdi showed me the message Izzah sent to him, I grabbed his phone and sent her a message straight back. "What the fuck do you want bitch?"
I didn't feel pleasure at all after sending out that SMS. In fact, I felt worse. As if I'm fighting with myself. She didn't reply the message either, making me feel more like punching myself. I do stupid things that I regret after a while.
And tomorrow, its Saturday. I don't want to sleep now, because I don't want tomorrow to come so soon. Maybe instead of hating Bloco so much and making myself and Hamdi feel so miserable, I should support Bloco instead? ...
No. Its too difficult a task for me. I can't do it. Cos' I really hate it.
Anyways, Mira wanted me to blog about something that I told her this morning.
Recently, there was a news/rumour circulating around RP (I heard it from Hamdi) that a RP, year 3 DBA student committed suicide at Hougang block 671, when today was supposed to his FYP submission. He was too stressed as he did not finish his FYP, so he ended his life there and then.
I must say, he really is daring. I had that thought (I admit) when I was doing my FYP too. I'm sure Mira felt the same way. Moreover, this student stays at Hougang too! In a way, he's far too similar to me, that when Hamdi told me the news, I felt a little sad instead of amused.
Mira and I could've counselled him man. After all, we've been through the same. WE TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY knows how it feels. Mira had to even go through it twice! And our team-mate eventually left us on the first FYP. Now tell me, who's worse?
Rest in peace, dude. At least you no longer have to see codes.
Now come to think about the FYP projects, I shiver. Damn it... Its just so demoralizing to see people complete their FYPs one by one, and we?! Our team mates leavin one by one. GREAT. The best part? The people who stays, gives you COPY'N'PASTE work. Duh?! As if we couldn't do that either. Idiot.
Alright. Pam is very tired now. She'll stop blogging and try to keep herself awake. She hates Saturdays, and no longer looks forward to it. I'd rather work than dwell in self-pity every Saturday.
I was so tired at work today, that I literally kep dozing off. And I so wished for the day to end earlier. I was even tempted to secretly twitch the main clock in the office so that it could be at least 1 hour later, so I could be home earlier.
Simply printing and filing tons and tons of paper everyday seriously isn't some interesting job. My routine at my job is so mundane. When I reach the office, I'd go to the pantry with my cup and make myself a cup of green tea. Then I would come back, switch on the computer, and start on my work. From 830AM - 1030AM, I'd be busy with the computer, checking emails, approving requests, so on and so forth.
After which, I'd be doing a lot, A LOT, A LOT of paperwork till 530PM. Damn... I'm very very tired. And today, I wanted to kick my skinny's A/O's boney ass! UHHH!
I was told to do some printscreens and send the system discrepencies spotted to the other department. So alright, I did just that. The printscreens on the system discrepencies, and emailed the respective recipient, CC-ing him on the way.
And about 20 minutes after the email was sent, he came strolling over to my cubicle and said this, "Next time can don't be so lazy not? Put the printscreens inside a Words document, and circle the specific errors, so that your colleagues can understand. Make things easier for yourself and others. Don't be so lazy lah..."
What the hell? I was so... SO TEMPTED to just tell him off. Like hello?! Who's the lazy one, may I ask?! This system discrepency has been there before I even came! AND I told him before that whatever he asks me to do, state it in an email, and I'll do WHATEVER that is written. Because of one stupid previous mistake, where he told me what to do verbally, I had enough. Now I only believe in BLACK&WHITE.
So I was told only to send printshots. I did! And now what? I'M LAZY?!
I had no mood to do whatever else I was doing already. Lazy is such a sensitive word. Yes, I know you're my superior and I'm just a lowly temporary subordinate. But hey, that's the wrong word you've used on me man. I did what I was told. You didn't elaborate yourself clearly... My colleagues and I have also been practising sending screenshots without the use of Words what.
I was so... Wronged. :(
When I came back, I was hungry, but I didn't even feel like eating anything. I came home, took a bath and went to sleep almost immediately. But I only caught an hour of sleep, then I woke up from Hamdi's call. Only to hear someone else's voice at the background calling him oh-so-sweetly.
"... chao cheebye. Hamdi for you to call one ar? Nabeh."
And he's very irritated with me... I don't why, but it really seems like it. :(
ALL THE ABOVE MAINO FEAT. T-PAIN [IF TOMORROW COMES]
I'm addicted to this song. *points above*
I just got home from school. Went back to RP to meet up with Hamdi, and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that Subways taking over that spot beside the bookstore that used to be empty. Not even my office has Subways! Ok lah, I was just jealous.
Its such a pisser to keep thinking how unlucky my batch of students was. We NEVER get to come to school at 9PM. We NEVER get to try the stupid Subways. We NEVER get to only have 3 UTs. Now, who can blame me for my grades? :D
Met Hamdi today, after he said he wanted to meet me last night. My prayers seemed to be answered. If we hadn't broke up, today actually marks the 15th month of our relationship. I was half anticipating for him to ask me back (or at least for me to accumlate enough mood to pop the question instead). But the other half of me wasn't. So, I wasn't that disappointed after all.
Instead, I am happy today. I was in fact so lethargic and restless during work, because I couldn't wait to meet him after work. Its like, I've got my mind on after 530PM, I have no mood to do whatsoever I'm supposed to do, at let's say... 1030AM?! Hahaha.
Work today was simply more printing and more filing. Luckily I'm not involved in the larger project my 2 other colleagues are doing. The previous project in March was enough to drive me up my wall and my hair, down the manhole. That's that. I'm going to pretend that I'm busy everyday, so that no one calls on me. Oi. I earn peanuts compared to the permanent staffs ok.
Hamdi and I hung out at our usual library spot, and I was so tempted to sleep on him. I was really tired. But I didn't want to waste my time sleeping, so I decided to stay awake instead. I didn't regret staying awake. (: We had some Subway sandwiches, then had fun. After which, the library was going to close, then we left for the carpark... :D
Then we took his bike and left for home. On the way, we kind of witnessed an accident on the road, and Hamdi volunteered to help out after he fetch me home. He just called me, and he's already home.
Before he left, I actually kind of hinted him that today was a really special day for me, and that I was really happy. He didn't seem so affected by it, as he doesn't know why its so special to me. He's not my boyfriend anyways. I can't expect any reaction out of him, anymore.
What really makes me want to slap him now is that, he could just open his stupid mouth and ask me for my blog URL. I know he wants it. But thing is, he just wouldn't budge. So will I. I'll only give it to people who ask. If you happen to chance upon this, then... Ok. What do you want me to say? Haha.
I love Eminem."... You're a rock star, everybody wants you!"
Anyways, I'm no stranger to blog. But I'm quite a stranger to a public blog I guess. The last time I had this public blog was about, 2 years ago? I've already archived the rest pst 2 years blog somewhere else, cos' its a little too over for public blogs. There're some things, I wouldn't want people to 'pounce' upon I suppose. So they're just plainly for my reading, till the day I die. (:
So here's a video to celebrate my long-time-no-public public blog! At least I don't put up my blog URL all plastered all over my MSN nick, publicizing it.
I love the 3rd one the most. Initially, I was wondering what the fuck was that. I thought it was some atomic bomb of some sort! Well, that's how Stephen Chow usually depicts his bombs in his movies. I grew up watching his movies man.
When I found out that what that the huge silver stuff was actually a dildo, I couldn't help but think how cute that kid looked while playing with it. I mean after all, HE LOOKED REALLY HAPPY MAN... Uh-huh, I got to stress the man word.
So I'm single. And I'm not looking. I still love my boy, and deep down inside, I know he's not coming back to me. Its ok. I've been through this before, and though I've cried my eyes out many times, I'll be ok. If he's really not coming back to me, then its career and studies for me already, I guess.
I'd be concentrating more on what to study, and planning my next time in my job. I can't possibly be waiting for time to go by, waiting for this economy crisis to be over. Instead of waiting, I could make use of this time. But do what? I don't know.
I need more time to think, I think.
Earning whatever I have right now, surely isn't enough for me to spend. Nothing is ever enough for me. When I was in Secondary school, I was given $5 everyday as my daily allowance. I used to envy classmates who have $10 a day and they could catch a movie everyday single day without fail only if they don't have anything at school. Whereas for my case, I got to starve for 2 days before I could catch a movie.
Finally when I was in poly, I got $10 a day. And I felt it wasn't enough. I wanted to get clothes. More and more and more of them. Wearing something twice to me, was "worn alot of times already". I was such a spendthrift. And I never once flinched at that thought.
I keep telling myself, with such a high budget, I got to earn more for myself. And I used to think $1000 a month could well be enough for me. However, it isn't. Right now, I still don't have enough to spend. The pair of shoes that I've had my eyes on are going to run away right under my nose again.
Oh wells, isn't the first time. I shall eye for another pair.
I thought things were going to turn out pretty fine this morning when I woke up. I cried over the phone again last night just talking to him. Even if he isn't irritated, I'm irritated with myself. No suprise, since I secretly hate myself sometimes. I never thought I was pretty or skinny enough or had enough hair on my head. I lacked self-esteem. And that's something no one knows of.
Sometimes I wish I had a beautiful sharp nose. I think that is somehow the mos outstanding feature and with a nice shaped nose, everyone could be beautiful. That's why nose-jobs are so common. Oh wells, like I said. I'm never satisfied. I'd probably want a nicer pair of eyes if I had a nice nose.
Never mind. For today, I'm happy with whatever I have. We'll talk about tomorrow, tomorrow. :)
I was chatting on the phone this afternoon at work with Hamdi. I was wondering if he wanted to meet. I was dying to meet him actually, I wanted to hug him suddenly. I just wanted to know if he'd hug me back. But he said he was tired, and that we didn't have any plans for us, no extra helmet for his bike... Yadda yadda...
He didn't know what I really wanted was to see his face and give him a nice hug. Who cares about his stupid bike.
So I just put down the phone, giving an excuse that I needed to finish my work. In actual fact, I didn't want my colleagues to see me cry. I'm not really a crybaby, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I just can't take it. Everytime I cry, I really feel hurt. I can't keep my tears like some others, who will cry only when they can't take it.
I probably can't take it all the time. I'm a lonely soul, and that makes me really weak I know. I'm after all, just standing alone.
Went to meet my mom after work for our usual dinner, and she was having a haircut. Makes it tempting for me to get my hair cut too. So I booked an appointment with Glenn this Saturday to have my hair trimmed. Knowing that for the first time, Hamdi wouldn't be with me. Hamdi never liked the fact of me going alone to Glenn's place to have my hair cut. But this time, I'll be going by myself because Hamdi's going to have his Bloco practice at I don't know where and I don't want to know where.
I really hate Bloco. And I don't know why I felt a little glee in me when he told me he could really feel my hatred for Bloco. I really hate it. Stupid percussion group. They stole my ex-boyfriend.
So I pretended that I didn't know how to get to Glenn's place without Hamdi's bike, so that I can have an excuse to call him and tell him that I'll be going there ALONE. So just fucking leave Bloco, and accompany me if you really feel unsafe and uncomfortable for me, if you really love me.
Yet again, I'm left with another bout of disappointment when I called him. 2 in fact. One, he volunteered to go home and check out how to get there by bus on the net for me. I'm not an idiot you know. I could've done that myself. I'm not handicapped to the internet.
Two, he was in school with his friends watching a movie. I'd rather be his friends if they could stay closer to him than I could. Didn't he say he was tired, and that he didn't had any plans for us? Maybe I should clean my ears.
And lately, I've been doing something childish. When I was younger, in secondary school, I used to listen to songs and 'imitate' whatever they do on MTV or say in their lyrics. For example, I'd make myself look as miserable as possible after a tiny fight with my dad, just so I could make myself as similar to Lindsay Lohan's Confessions of a Broken Heart.
HAHAHA! I was so silly. And now, these days, I've been sleeping with Hamdi's jersey at night, and not washing it (because I couldn't let my mom know about him). Just to be closer to him, like Shontelle's T-Shirt.
I've lost my entire mind. *flings arms in the air*
Just now on FaceBook, a certain Bud Young fella came chatting with me. Goodness, I don't even know this guy. Or maybe I do, but I don't remember him. And he was somehow connected to Hamdi. So I asked Hamdi on purpose, who this guy was. Hamdi's reaction was "Oh I know this guy..." ... As if I didn't know that.
I'm on the phone with him now, and he tells me he wants to go and jog. Yah whatever. I no longer hear him say, "I want to meet you" anymore. That's sad. Sometimes, I wish he'd stop calling. And when he really does stop calling, I'd keep looking at phone, waiting for a miracle.
And when that miracle really does happen, we'd end up fighting. I should be locked up in an asylum, because I can't make up my mind. And before I make up my mind, I do crazy things.
I am very very sad. See, I'm on the verge of tears again.
