Flying Solo: September 2009

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tuition

I'm supposed to be heading down to Manfred's place for tuition right now, but what am I doing? Bad teacher. :D

Friday, September 25, 2009

A SONG FOR YOU
WHITNEY HOUSTON
[I LOOK TO YOU]

I've been putting Whitney Houston's song on replay since last night. And I think I'm going to get the whole album. Lub lub her songs. Kaopei lah lub.

Anyways, I've been trying to memorize Zee Avi's Kantoi and I think I can make it. Though I don't have that accent, I'm still trying to act. And when I try to act, this is what happens to the lyrics,

Sermalarm I call you, you tark en-sir
You kater you kluwar pergi dinner
You kater you kluwar derngan karwan you
But when I called Tommy, he said it wasn't true

Hahaha. I've been calling Hamdi last night and singing this to him. To my suprise, he isn't annoyed. Well, at least not yet. He'd not be annoyed or I'll tak en-sir his phone. Ok lah, I love you boy!

I downloaded 4390859050943854 songs last night, and I've been dancing and grinding thin air even till this morning. I seem to have done a lot of things last night. :P

This morning, I woke up, without bathing (HAHA), I changed into my A|X dress that my auntie bought for me, and my heels, and I started dancing to my iTunes. Macham sial.

Malays have this problem with me eh. Apesal?! Sometimes, I really wonder if I have this orang cheena bau you know. My mom doesn't have it. My dad, I don't dare to smell him. Lol.

T.I. FEAT. MARY J. BLIGE
REMEMBER ME
[PAPER TRAIL: CASE CLOSED]

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Waddup ~

MILLION DOLLAR BILL
WHITNEY HOUSTON
[I LOOK TO YOU]

Whoowhoo! I so dig this Lace & Leather Christian Louboutin bootes. So Nyonya and so vintage. $1,800. I'm going to have to work my ass off to work on $1,800. If I were still working at SIA, I got to starve myself for 2 months, before I could get myself what? A pair of bootes that will probably be accompanied by millions of plasters. Very good.

There are times when I look above and beyond
There are times when I feel your love around me baby
I'll never forget your love, my baby

So I haven't been blogging for days. Not many things have happened. Trevor, my darling went to NS already. And I so miss him. I just miss the times when it will be Trevor walking in the middle, and JT will be on one side of his arm, and I be on the other side. Our sugar daddy. (:

Saw him on Saturday when he booked out from camp, cos of Hari Raya. My goodness. If my mom didn't say how dark he looked now, I wouldn't have noticed either. He is so... Black. And I really loved the way he say how he had sunburn that bad that his skin was peeling like tissue paper. Hahahaha! *hugs Trev*

The 3 of us will go out and take Neoprints again ok next week! I don't care!

Went out with Mira yesterday to town and Bugis. Camwhored, but still, she hasn't sent me the pictures. I guess she's probably out with her girls now. Mira has been really mean these days. She's been calling me a china woman. :(

I'm from Singapore please, and a Nyonya too, PERANAKAN! Which part of my face says China?! AND I BATHE LOR! Thank god I don't have a tagboard. I could predict Aqilah and Mira bombing me. Jangan step popular eh Mun.

I so want to shake my ass and club. Seriously. I've been having this sickness for a long time now. I'd lie down on my bed, while I listen to Plies, and I'd be humping thin air. HAHAHA! No lah. I'd be jumping about. Especially when I listen to Make Love In This Club, I'd try my best to dance like Usher. HAHAHAHA!

I want to club... But I'm grounded by Hamdi from the clubs. :(
Hmpf.

LAST TIME
TREY SONGZ
[TREY DAY]

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dilemma

BIRTHDAY SEX
JEREMIH
[JEREMIH]

I don't know what to blog about suddenly. It seems like I have a thousand and 1 things to blog about, but I decided not to. Somethings are better kept to ourselves isn't it? :D

So I've been a very bad girl yesterday... :(
I left Mira in the lurch to go catch I Love You, Beth Cooper with Hamdi instead last night at Causeway Point. I'm sorry Mira. But I know you'll be happy for me to watch it with Hamdi. I know I know... You can keep the pretty words to yourself. Hahaha! :P

Alright. 4 stars. I was really suprised, and to be honest I never really liked this Hayden girl. Nope, didn't catch Heroes. But anyways, the show really got me laughing from beginning till the end. The ending was predictable, the kind of sappy cheesy I kiss you, we meet again kind of teenage flicks. But other than that, funny. I got to say Hayden's really pretty, but she's really got to lose some weight. (:

I know she's mampat lah, but I don't like leh.

So last night, after the movie, I was internet-ing around and I was watching the VMAs 2009 that I've missed on MTV. My goodness. As much as I love Kanye West and his productions, his actions towards Taylor Swift CANNOT, and I mean it, cannot be tolerated! Yes, everyone knows that Beyonce's the queen. But anyone nominated deserved that win. And if Taylor won it, it means she earned for it. I'm sure Beyonce is willing to give the new ones a chance too. And it shows how much of a queen and diva Beyonce is when she did win another prize, yet gave the whole stage back to Taylor instead.

I couldn't find the video of Kanye West dissing Taylor Swift on the stage when Taylor won the award for Best Female Video, but the video of Beyonce passing the stage to Taylor could be found.

She is one class act. And look at Taylor, she's so pretty in red too. (:

And I really pity Beyonce for this one as well. I mean, I'm starting to think that Kanye's really just kissing up to Jay-Z's ass on this one. Who doesn't know B's Jay-Z's golden girl? And Kanye, ... Its so obvious in B's Ego (Remix Feat. Kanye West) lyrics too.

Now I'm standing next to Jay who standing next to B
Could’ve been anywhere in the world but you’re here with me
That’s good for my ego, ha ha, me and my ego

Beyonce was so completely stunned when Kanye just got up to Taylor, grabbed her mic and announced to the whole world that B's got one of the best videos up there. SO WHAT?! Taylor Swift still got it!

As much as I respect his music, and love his style, his diva fits really got to stop. I hope people like Eminem kills him one day. Argh.

On the high side, I was out with the RP girls on Saturday just cam-whoring and talking rubbish at Aishah's place then at Mira's place. I've got the pictures on Facebook! And I haven't installed my Photoshop, so maybe I won't upload it here on Blogger yet. :P

SOMEONE TO CALL MY LOVER
JANET JACKSON
[ALL FOR YOU]

Monday, September 14, 2009

Nothing.

Nothing, nobody, can come between us.
Don't you get it?
Its fate.

My daily routine

I wake up in the morning.
Looking at my phone.
I'd call my girlfriends up, and tell them I'm so bored alone.
They'd tell me to do this or do that.
All of which I doubt and asked them back,
"Really I should do that?"

I on my computer.
Click around the links.
Seeing things that I don't want to see.
Somehow somewhere, I'd find things I don't want to find.
Women's nature, probably they're right.

I realized I haven't brushed my teeth.
I walk up to the bathroom.
And I could sense a feel of doom.
I want to take this broom, and fly away from here.

I walked to my kitchen, getting a glass of water.
While I looked into the mirror, and say, "You' so fucking screwed."

And then I realized, hell yea.
I'm screwed.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I will not give up, cos I love you.

I am speechless, and tired down to the bones. After chatting with Hamdi yesterday night, and lots of tears... I kept telling myself to give up. I cried on the bus. He said that he loves me, but the feeling is already different. He isn't ready to be in a relationship again. I scarred him.

If only I could turn back time, I would do anything I could've done to show him I love him, treasure him. Rather than to cry from all the hurt right now. He's right. He's got ample time in the world, and he loves himself. At least, he knows how to appreciate his love for himself. Giving your love to others, may turn out to be drastic. I so understand how he feels... Because its all coming back to me now. Its retribution.

I love Hamdi. And he loves me. When 2 people are in love, yet they cannot be together, its such pain that one will try to kill him/herself. I didn't sleep last night. My mind was full of memories. The times when we kissed, the times I scolded him like thrash...

I neglected something I love so much. Only to learn to regret it now. But he's right, its too late. Feelings are so difficult to change. But I want him back in my life. I can't go on without him.

He's my first true love. And I love him.

What can I do to make you come back...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

(:

Ah Pek and Ah Ma in Their Golden Age.

Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said,
"Then, you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walked away.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth lah!"

Space

SPACE
PUSSYCAT DOLLS
[DOLL DOMINATION]

Hamdi was off at Malaysia on Saturday till Monday morning, and suprisingly, I didn't send more than 2 SMSes, except to tell him how I spent my day. I'm so proud of myself. :D
And he's so sweet to actually SMS me from Malaysia, saying that he misses me, indirectly. I couldn't sleep after receiving his SMS actually. You know, that kind of feeling when your crush tells you that they'll agree to go on a date with you, kind of feeling. Yea that's it.

Was out with Trevor and JT on the whole of Saturday. Had sashimi buffet for lunch at Hougang Plaza before heading down to town. Trevor had to meet his friends down at Plaza Singapura, so it was left with me and JT for our girls' day-out. Not that Trevor's a girl, but he's like a real sister to us. Hell, we love this guy. :)

JT and I went for shopping, and I end up buying myself a pair of bootes while JT got a pair of killer heels for herself. And we each bought a pair of shades too. Got some pictures, but JT hasn't sent them to me, so I have got nothing to put up.

Anyways, for anyone who has the EXE. file for Photoshop, can you please send it to me? I'm unable to update my blog shop because I've lost my Photoshop. Its like losing a pair of hands, I can't do anything! And I've got some new creations for sales. -.-

It was supposed to be aimmed for Hari Raya, now I think I've got to wait till Deepavali.

On Sunday, I spent my whole afternoon in front of my computer screen just playing video games. I was like a complete bespectacled nerd on that day. I didn't visit the toilet, nor the kitchen, nor stepped out of my room to talk to my mom. All I did was conquering my enemies' castles and drinking whatever water from the cup that was left on my table from morning till night. Hahahaha! What a dork.

Met Hamdi immediately on Monday after his FYP. Gosh I missed him so much, even though I claimed that I didn't think of him that often. Though he was stinking and sticky from all the perspiration, I didn't care. Just wanted to hug him, and to me, he smells the nicest even if he stank from mutton. Hahahahaha! :P

Went to Marina Square, and had Burger King's. After which, we went for some fun at Carrefour Suntec. Yea... Hell lot of fun. Then we just headed home. Nothing much. But it was nice day for chats and bickering. I've always enjoyed bickering, its the kind of thing that is annoying yet healthy for couples. What am I talking about... Hahahaha.

Hamdi has just reactivated his Facebook for his FYP. And somehow, Facebook is being a complete bitch, because I am not his friend, no matter how many times I added him. I believe Facebook is being the bitch, not Hamdi.

Any takers on a different point of view?

The rain just never seems to bring
The joy I feel the same.
Everlasting pain of my loss remains.

My heart can’t seem to learn to part
The hold you left you mark.
All that I dreamed of now it seems so stark.

Though I told myself won’t hold my breath
a part of me was dying.
There is nothing left for me to do now.
But give in.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would sing to you and tell you I won’t
Live my life without you.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes.
And you know I’d never let you go.

The way you left me on the train.
I don’t know what to say.
I remember everything of that day

I can’t believe we’d never dance
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I just need one more chance
To share the sunset our one last romance

Though I told myself won’t hold my breath
a part of me was dying.
There is nothing left for me to do now.
But give in.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would sing to you and tell you I won’t
Live my life without you.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes.
And you know I’d never let you go.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would sing to you and tell you I won’t
Live my life without you.

If you gave me one chance to tell you how I was feeling.
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes.
And you know I’d never let you go.

LOSE YOURSELF
EMINEM
[8 MILE SOUNDTRACK]

Stupid Pam

Its all my fault he changed his stupid password again... :(

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Laughing Bride

I can't stop laughing with this as well. Some crazy ass bride. Hahahaha!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Missing something

I refuse to say that I am not understanding.
I just don't think I could hang on like that.
The more I seem to try, the further we get apart.
It feels as if everything's fated.
Ever since NDP was over, I never had more than 2 of your Saturdays.
This wasn't what I wanted. And I have to except how unimportant I am in your heart.
Will I be the first person you'd call when you come back?
I decided I'd rather choose not to believe on the more positive side of life.

It has never gotten me anywhere beyond happy.

忍

Its not fair.
I was the one who asked you out first, if you're not going anywhere.
But I just have to grit my teeth and bear with it.

UH OH!

TROUBLE
SHAMPOO
[WE ARE SHAMPOO]

[Chorus]
Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, Something's Come Along And It's Burst Our Bubble

Yeah, Yeah! Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,
Gotta Get Home Quick March On The Double!

We've Been Out All Night And We Havn't Been Home,
We're Walkin' Through The Back Streets ...All Alone!
The Party Was Great, Yeah We Were Really Frilled!
And When We Get In We're Gonna Get Killed!

[Chorus]

We Couldn't Get A Cab, 'Cause We Ain't Got No Money!
We Missed The Last Train But We Thought.... Don't Worry!
We'd Get The Night Bus But The Night Bus Never Came!
We're Eight Miles From Home And It Started To.....

[Chorus]

Yeah Yeah, Trouble...

We Tried To Steal A Car But We Soon Realized, We Got On The Road, None Of Us Could Drive!
Police Car Came Along And They Took Us For A Ride, And When We Get Home We're Gonna Get,
Gonna Get, Gonna Get Fried!

[Chorus]

Uh-Oh We're In Trouble, [Yeah Yeah!] Uh-Oh We're In Trouble....

Uh-Oh We're In Trouble, Something's Come Along And It's Burst Our Bubble! [Yeah Yeah!]
Uh-Oh We're In Trouble, Book Us A Ticket On The Next Space Shuttle!

[Chorus x2]

Alright. TELL ME WHO REMEMBERS THIS POWER RANGER SONG?! My goodness. I was chatting with Wee Kiong a couple of days back about some movies that I've downloaded. And he told me that he recently downloaded Power Rangers: The Movie. HAHAHAHA! You know, the one with the purple gooey old monster, Ivan Ooze. HAHAHAHAHA! And that stupid song imediately came into my head. Hell! I used to sing that all day when I was a kid! UH OH, WE'RE IN TROUBLE!

I think I'm pretty troubled these days, cos' I've been uploading like almost everyday though nothing special happened.

I love it when I'm alone at home, sometimes. I get to blast music from my speakers like nobody's business, and I don't have anyone asking me to play Abba's (Mummy) or Queen (Daddy) or asking me to shut up cos' he hates Pop songs (brother). And I so love Backstreet Boys' new song, Straight Through The Heart. But its a rather obvious that this song has been produced by RedOne. The whole beat and everything just shouts Akon. Even Nick Carter sounded a little like Akon on the chorus.

I remembered a comment made by Vernetta Lopez on Class 95 once, that made me laugh. After Akon's Right Now (Na Na Na) was being played, she said (something like) this, "Good morning, this is the Morning Express on Class 95! That was Akon, Right Now (Na Na Na), the most useless song on Class 95." Hahahaha!

I'm also in love with another new song. Jay-Z Feat. Rihanna & Kanye West - Run This Town. As much as I don't like Rihanna, I have no idea why I still like her tunes. And whenever I see her name in a feature or a single of her own, I know its going to be a hit. I HATE THAT! I don't like to not like someone yet still support someone. Oh wells, as long as the songs are good I don't really care. :D

Last night, I finished up the Bally's that Trevor has left at my place, and I got a tad tipsy, but I managed to go offline before spewing nonsense to Hamdi over the net. Yet I was playing my iTunes so damn bloody loud, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, and I danced. I found this picture of myself too:

When I'm high and drunk with Yas on one of the NDP preview. We were drinking outside Marina Square when we were watching the fireworks. Hahahahaha! AND I GOT THIS UGLY MUG SHOT! Now that I know this is how I look when I'm high. I should get high less often. Hahahahaha. *blushes*

I'm supposed to playing this game right now, but I'm not. Instead, I'm blogging about my red nails that I've painted yesterday, and I'm very happy. :D

I know the whole cover of the game looks so boring and ancient, but I swear this game is really freaking fun. Its and RPG game, and you go around collecting resources, killing monsters, and there's so many army strategies to learn! Ok, sounds boring already lah. I wish Hamdi could play this with me though. Its so hard getting him to try something new sometimes.

Something new is always very nice.

I know he was telling me something when he said this. These days, the words he uses have became so vague. "... I will miss my friends in Singapore." It used to just be me. Its ok. As time goes by, I know I'll slowly let go, much to his happiness. :)

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
MAROON 5
[IT WON'T BE SOON BEFORE LONG]

Thursday, September 3, 2009

(U)

Aw, Aw, Aw, Rihanna
Ey, Ey Dreamer
Aw, Aw, Ey, Ey, Ey

I wanna tell the world that your my girl
And that i'm your man, Aw baby
And I wanna tell the world that you got me
Why can't we be, Aw baby
I can't put my name on your kiss
And I can't speak your name from these lips
We froze and nobody knows

Have to walk out the room everytime you call
Tellin everybody I ain't seen you in so long
It feels like i ain't breating
This feels worser than cheating

Cuz we out here livin' a lie,
Out here livin' a lie,
I'm out here livin' a lie,
Why what makes you smile seem to make you cry
I'm out here livin' a lie,
I'm out here livin' a lie,
We out here livin' a lie,
Behind these smiles I'm really hurting
Inside-side-side,Inside-side-side,
Inside-side-side,Inside-side-side

Everytime i wanna put us on display
Time takes a breathe, Aw Baby
I hear about other relationships that ain't true
I wanna set it right, Aw Baby
And i can't tell nobody how i feel, oh
And i can't tell nobody how we is, oh

I wanna hop on the first thing smokin
Tell our agent to book us a plane

I wanna be near you
I wanna be near you too
I wanna wake up (wake up)
Right next to you baby

Cuz we out here livin' a lie,
Out here livin' a lie,
I'm out here livin' a lie,
Why what makes you smile seem to make you cry
I'm out here livin' a lie,
I'm out here livin' a lie,
We out here livin' a lie,
Behind these smiles I'm really hurting
Inside-side-side,Inside-side-side,
Inside-side-side,Inside-side-side

Rihanna Baby, Dream Baby
What on this circ will we do?
Assume that i'm not a sume
And everything in this world has got us crazy
I'm so through, You too?, We Alone
What the worst that could happen baby if they know?
Won't be nothing,
Cuz your inpecable, your everything that i love

Cuz we out here livin' a lie,
Out here livin' a lie,
I'm out here livin' a lie,
Why what makes you smile seem to make you cry
We out here livin' a lie,
I'm out here livin' a lie,
We out here livin' a lie,
Behind these smiles I'm really hurting
Inside-side-side,Inside-side-side,
Inside-side-side,Inside-side-side

AT WAR!

BATTLEFIELD
JORDIN SPARKS
[BATTLEFIELD]

I am so angry. I AM SO SO SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!

I swear if I'm rich, I will scrape my dad's car and buy my whole family a new car each, even when my mom can't drive.

I went down to hunt for some materials to make more accessories, and was supposed to meet my brother later at Simei, to fetch my mom to work. I was very much looking forward to it, because he always has the car with him when my dad's not in town. And I hardly have the chance to drive that damn metal.

So while waiting for him, I was walking around East Point, doing some window-shopping. He told me to meet him at his friend's condominium, I said ok, but I just continued with my window-shopping. After which, he called to ask me where I was. I told him I was still at East Point shopping. Then he started getting frustrated and asked me to stop shopping. "Aiya shopping what?!"

SHOPPING IS WHAT SISTERS, MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS, GIRLFRIENDS AND WIVES LIKE TO DO WHEN THEIR BROTHERS, FATHERS, BOYFRIENDS AND HUSBANDS HAVE TO MAKE US WAIT! THEY STILL HAVE THE CHEEK TO SAY WE ARE UNREASONABLE AND IMPATIENT? EH HELLO! YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS APPEAR AT THE WRONG TIME! Either you don't appear when we're in a rush or you guys appear when we're like halfway enjoying ourselves. WHAT THE FUCK?

Anyways, that's not the whole point here. So I drove the car from Simei to fetch my mom at Thomson. Throughout the way, my smart ass brother expects me to know the whole damn road. He says I'm going to let you drive by yourself so that you can learn. THIS IS WORSE THAN RP'S PBL LESSONS FOR FUCK'S SAKE! SEE HOW TERRIBLY WELL I SCORED AT RP, DO YOU THINK I CAN UNDERTAKE THE KIND OF LESSON MY BROTHER'S GIVING ME?!

I really wanted to steer into the lamp post that time and show him MY POWERS. Oh yea, you said I'm going to crush right? HELL YEA, I'LL CRASH FOR YOU TO SEE! ARGHHH!

Better put this on my car the next time I drive. And that's not the worse. I missed the CTE exit, and I almost crashed into another car. AND THEN HE SHOUTED. HE LITERALLY SHOUTED. If my car was a convertible, I'm telling you, I think the cars at AYE could hear his shout.

I've said millions of times before, DON'T BLOODY HELL SHOUT. Talk to me nicely. I know what I'm doing! You shout, I panic, I CRASH! You want that? YOU WANT THAT?! I just kept quiet throughout the way. And my brother knew I was NOT in the best of moods. And he'd better not step on my tail again. OR ITS HIS TAIL THAT'S GOING TO GET BURN ON THE ROAD! ARGH! The wheels were in my hands.

Yes. I'm bloody fucking fuming. I know everyone condemns female drivers, BUT WHAT THE HELL? They've simply brought their prejudice too far. I THINK I AM A OK DRIVER, BUT WITH THAT KIND OF TEACHING YOU'VE GIVING ME, I'M GOING TO CRASH AT EVERY SINGLE EXPRESSWAY'S EXIT!

And Hamdi's going off to Malaysia on Saturday too. 4 days and more, I'm not going to see him. He don't seem to know, he don't care. If only we were still in our honeymoon period, he'd tell me how much he wouldn't want to be there (but eventually still ends up there). He would SMS on Saturday morning, and say that he loves me and that he'll SMS me once he's back in Singapore. And when he's back in Singapore, he'll SMS me saying that he misses me.

If only I treasured those little moments more. I miss them now. He's now salty, sour, bitter and nothing sweet. But as long as I think that he misses me, I couldn't ask for more.

BUT ANYWAYS, I'M STILL PISSED WITH THE CAR.

IN LOVE WITH A GIRL
GAVIN DEGRAW
[GAVIN DEGRAW]

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

... & I'm out here livin' a lie

LIVIN' A LIE
THE DREAM FEAT. RIHANNA
[LOVE HATE]

Yesterday was a wet and sad day for me. Alright, it wasn't exactly sad, but there were sad parts. As mentioned earlier in my previous posts, I had this major fight with Syaza about Hamdi. My relationship with him soured further and he didn't want to meet me, at all.

He actually had FYP till 330PM, and he had to meet his mom to shop for some furnitures at 4PM. Yet I wanted to meet him to go to town to collect my handphone. He rejected me coldly. The SMS was like a complete shot in the heart. So I decided to pen down my thoughts and go down to Admiralty Park where he was having his FYP instead. I was thinking of just leaving the letter inside his bike's basket, and just hiding/stalking him from a corner as I see his reaction from the letter.

Yet he has spotted me from afar. Great suprise for a suprise. He was sitting in the rain with Aidil. So instead of leaving the letter at his bike, he came to collect it from me instead. And after the letter, he just hugged me. (:

The whole time, I was crying like a baby when I told myself not to. Eventually, he went back for his FYP after spendning half an hour with me. And I had to go down to Wisma Atria to collect my handphone. Went to The Cathay Gramaphone to catch up with Mira too, before going to Vol.ta to get a white basic tee for Hamdi. Headed home later. I was feeling pretty upset actually, until he called to ask me where I was. Oh wells, I couldn't ask for more, can I? We just... Got better. (:

Webcam-ed last night before going to sleep at 11PM. I think I should sleep at 11PM more often. Cos' when I woke up this morning, I thought my skin got a little better. :D

Got woken up this morning by Hamdi's phone call. Only to realize that he's been hanging around my estate for about 15 minutes. Then I remembered that I actually invited him over to my place today to check out some stuffs. But my brother was at home, so he couldn't come up.

So I ended up having a hurried bath and meeting him later down my block. Went off to have Seoul's Garden at Downtown East, and I seriously ate so much that I felt I was going to burst. I don't really like the service at Seoul's Garden though. You would have to order the ala-carte dishes via the computer, a little bit like Sakae Sushi. and the waiter/ess will serve it to you.

Well, I don't like that whole concept. I mean, part of the joy of having a buffet is to pick your own food isn't it? So yea. I don't like the outlet at Downtown East. Or are all Seoul Garden outlets serving this way now?

Caught The Last House On the Left after that, and the movie was nice. Our movie was pretty nice too, eh Hamdi? :P

Its a pretty much gory movie. Hamdi gives it 4 stars, but I'm giving it 3.5 stars. Maybe if we had concentrated more during the beginning part of the movie, I would've given it 5 stars. The gore came during the middle part of the show. It was a husband and wife murder kind of movie. And I loved the character-twisting plot. What seemed like a nice family turned out to be murderers and those who were rapists and murderers were the victims eventually. Nice. :D

After which, Hamdi fetched me home and went off for BE. I told him to call me when he reached school, but he has yet to call me. And now its already 748PM. He said he wanted to be home before 8PM to catch Singapore Idol. But I think he's probably going to catch Amazing Race at BE instead. Haha.

After having a nice chat with my mom, Mira and JT, I think I'll have to refrain myself from calling Hamdi. And let him call me instead. Freedom is what I say I'll give him anyways. (:

I cannot ask him irritating questions. And I must abide to my own rules, and that is to stop asking him things that I already know, and I don't wish to find out. Just believe that he loves me, and one day he will ask me to be his girlfriend again. Yea...

It has got to be this way.

Was checking emails when I saw this mail. And I couldn't help laughing. Hahahaha.

HUMAN NATURE
MADONNA
[BEDTIME STORIES]

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

What happens to the old?

Something new is always very nice.

I Can't Do it

Yesterday morning before my tuition, I was rearranging the receipts that Hamdi and I have collected throughout the whole of our 1 year and 6 months. I was smiling as I look at whatever we spent on. There're definitely more receipts that we've lost along the way but still... There are some memories left. And I'm glad.

These receipts came a long way. Once when we fought, I gave them to him in a dramatic spur. And he kept them. Until one day, his mom thought they were scrap paper and she threw them all away. He got so furious. He called me, shouted on the phone. Honestly, I was scared stiff, and I was actually having tuition at that time too. But when he told me he single-handedly picked up all the receipts out from the rubbish chute, despite people staring at him. I told myself that I'll love this guy till I die. Who would go down to the rubbish chute just to pick up something that has already been history? Hamdi. I knew he loved me.

So although some of the receipts still stank very badly from the rubbish chute, I still displayed them nicely in a new photo album I purposefully bought just for these receipts. I was so proud of myself after I finished that I flipped through the pages several times before I closed the album and go off to take a well deserved bath.

I called him after my tuition. I said let's forget about everything. He said, maybe. I don't know what that meant, but I know it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Again, I wanted to cry. I know there's no point crying. If there was, I'd have cried my eyes blind.

I've learnt that in a relationship, it isn't the cause of something that makes you so hurt. Its the process of the whole thing. The lies, the stories, the reasons and the excuses that you fail to see. When I lie, I'm desperate. So I suppose Hamdi must have been desperate for something that he had to lie to me. But about what?

Everytime I tried talking to him nicely, he would not look me in the eye and talk. I made the point to even go down to his place, just to see if he would be more serious. He'd look at his nails, play with the tables and the chairs, smile and laugh. I was hurt. I really felt like a toy to him.

Sometimes, I don't think he even knows what he's doing to me.

Because if I love someone, I know I wouldn't do these kind of things to that person. Hamdi does everything I want a boyfriend to do to me. Even Dale thinks Hamdi's sweet, when he told me that he loves me. Hamdi would fetch me anywhere I want.

Yet I, cannot let him live his life with his friends. Simply because, I'm afraid of his friends. I trust Hamdi, totally. Although he's lied to me time and again, like some Channel 8 drama, I choose to think he would change. And he promised me he would.

He never did. He said it himself. Then he says he needs time. Who's going to give me time then?

So yesterday evening, I asked him if I could tag along for BE on Wednesday. He said ok, up to me. Well, I'm tagging him, so its his decision after all isn't it? And after all the saga with Syaza, I wouldn't want him to feel like shit. All he said was, I don't know. Then how am I suppose to know?

And this morning, I asked him if he wants to come over to my place on Wednesday, cos I have something to show him. I really want to show him the album of receipts that we've kept. They look so pretty to me. He said no, he's got to go for BE. And I know he's going to break fast with those people.

When I asked him if I could break fast with him, he'd give me plenty of reasons stating that he's got to break fast with his parents most of the time. When others ask him, he'd say ok.

He says I have a place in his heart, but where? I know where he stands in my heart. Right smack above everything else. Cos I know if I lose this guy, I really don't know how to continue with my days. I'm only 20, but I really love this guy.

I thought after talking and crying out to Dale last night, I would've been able to sleep. But I couldn't. I wanted to take some pills, but didn't.

I would wake up in the middle of the night, just crying, to myself. I wonder if he knows what I'm going through, what would be his reaction. I don't know.

People have been asking me to give up on this relationship. Hamdi is already sick of you. If he were, why would he say "I love you" on the 26 August 2009. We weren't having sex at that point of time. He was thinking with his heart. I know he loves me. But he refuse to be with me, as much as I'm wanting to be with him.

He must've regretted saying those 3 words to me. I've been harping on it non-stop ever since we fought. But that's how much it means to me. I was so happy I don't mind getting pregnant at that point of time.

I don't know how many more days I have to go through this. But whenever I look at my room, and I look at that bed. I miss how we used to have done so many things there. He said that I love money. If I could give up any material things in this world that I own to have him back, I would do it. I swear I would. Because its him I love, not money.

On Facebook, I hate to see happy couples. I really hate it. They'll have albums and albums of themselves and they're the only ones commenting their own photos. Their martial status, in a relationship with someone. I often wonder to myself, before I was attached to Hamdi, when can I be somebody's somebody. I want to see my name there too. In a relationship with Pamela Goh. When I got together with Hamdi, I thought its going to oome through.

Well, it happened on Friendster. Sparks were flying. Honeymoon sparks. Then it just extinguished. Facebook came and ruined almost everything. I was devastated. Hamdi became single and so did I. Its so stupid... Yet I cried over it so many times.

I've given him everything. My feelings, my affections, my willingness to change, my body, my mind, my money. Sometimes he gives me everything that I want as well, sometimes, he just breech my trust and lie to me.

And when he does that, my world crumbles. Oh yes, my life revolves around him. He probably hates it cos' I'm too clingy. Like I don't have a life of my own. I tried living my own life. And when I did, he forgets about me and he thinks that I'm ok with everything even lying to me.

He says I'm over protective. Fine, I tried not to butt in so much. What happens? He lied to me. All I ask for, is trust. I really want to trust you. Cos I want to be with you so bad. But why do you keep doing this to me?

My friends are all telling me to let you go. Even you, told me to play hard to get with you. You think that's easy? You think playing hard to get with someone you love is so easy? I can't let you go, because I don't see how I can be like without you here by my side. I need you.

Do you know?