Flying Solo

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Can't Do it

Yesterday morning before my tuition, I was rearranging the receipts that Hamdi and I have collected throughout the whole of our 1 year and 6 months. I was smiling as I look at whatever we spent on. There're definitely more receipts that we've lost along the way but still... There are some memories left. And I'm glad.

These receipts came a long way. Once when we fought, I gave them to him in a dramatic spur. And he kept them. Until one day, his mom thought they were scrap paper and she threw them all away. He got so furious. He called me, shouted on the phone. Honestly, I was scared stiff, and I was actually having tuition at that time too. But when he told me he single-handedly picked up all the receipts out from the rubbish chute, despite people staring at him. I told myself that I'll love this guy till I die. Who would go down to the rubbish chute just to pick up something that has already been history? Hamdi. I knew he loved me.

So although some of the receipts still stank very badly from the rubbish chute, I still displayed them nicely in a new photo album I purposefully bought just for these receipts. I was so proud of myself after I finished that I flipped through the pages several times before I closed the album and go off to take a well deserved bath.

I called him after my tuition. I said let's forget about everything. He said, maybe. I don't know what that meant, but I know it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Again, I wanted to cry. I know there's no point crying. If there was, I'd have cried my eyes blind.

I've learnt that in a relationship, it isn't the cause of something that makes you so hurt. Its the process of the whole thing. The lies, the stories, the reasons and the excuses that you fail to see. When I lie, I'm desperate. So I suppose Hamdi must have been desperate for something that he had to lie to me. But about what?

Everytime I tried talking to him nicely, he would not look me in the eye and talk. I made the point to even go down to his place, just to see if he would be more serious. He'd look at his nails, play with the tables and the chairs, smile and laugh. I was hurt. I really felt like a toy to him.

Sometimes, I don't think he even knows what he's doing to me.

Because if I love someone, I know I wouldn't do these kind of things to that person. Hamdi does everything I want a boyfriend to do to me. Even Dale thinks Hamdi's sweet, when he told me that he loves me. Hamdi would fetch me anywhere I want.

Yet I, cannot let him live his life with his friends. Simply because, I'm afraid of his friends. I trust Hamdi, totally. Although he's lied to me time and again, like some Channel 8 drama, I choose to think he would change. And he promised me he would.

He never did. He said it himself. Then he says he needs time. Who's going to give me time then?

So yesterday evening, I asked him if I could tag along for BE on Wednesday. He said ok, up to me. Well, I'm tagging him, so its his decision after all isn't it? And after all the saga with Syaza, I wouldn't want him to feel like shit. All he said was, I don't know. Then how am I suppose to know?

And this morning, I asked him if he wants to come over to my place on Wednesday, cos I have something to show him. I really want to show him the album of receipts that we've kept. They look so pretty to me. He said no, he's got to go for BE. And I know he's going to break fast with those people.

When I asked him if I could break fast with him, he'd give me plenty of reasons stating that he's got to break fast with his parents most of the time. When others ask him, he'd say ok.

He says I have a place in his heart, but where? I know where he stands in my heart. Right smack above everything else. Cos I know if I lose this guy, I really don't know how to continue with my days. I'm only 20, but I really love this guy.

I thought after talking and crying out to Dale last night, I would've been able to sleep. But I couldn't. I wanted to take some pills, but didn't.

I would wake up in the middle of the night, just crying, to myself. I wonder if he knows what I'm going through, what would be his reaction. I don't know.

People have been asking me to give up on this relationship. Hamdi is already sick of you. If he were, why would he say "I love you" on the 26 August 2009. We weren't having sex at that point of time. He was thinking with his heart. I know he loves me. But he refuse to be with me, as much as I'm wanting to be with him.

He must've regretted saying those 3 words to me. I've been harping on it non-stop ever since we fought. But that's how much it means to me. I was so happy I don't mind getting pregnant at that point of time.

I don't know how many more days I have to go through this. But whenever I look at my room, and I look at that bed. I miss how we used to have done so many things there. He said that I love money. If I could give up any material things in this world that I own to have him back, I would do it. I swear I would. Because its him I love, not money.

On Facebook, I hate to see happy couples. I really hate it. They'll have albums and albums of themselves and they're the only ones commenting their own photos. Their martial status, in a relationship with someone. I often wonder to myself, before I was attached to Hamdi, when can I be somebody's somebody. I want to see my name there too. In a relationship with Pamela Goh. When I got together with Hamdi, I thought its going to oome through.

Well, it happened on Friendster. Sparks were flying. Honeymoon sparks. Then it just extinguished. Facebook came and ruined almost everything. I was devastated. Hamdi became single and so did I. Its so stupid... Yet I cried over it so many times.

I've given him everything. My feelings, my affections, my willingness to change, my body, my mind, my money. Sometimes he gives me everything that I want as well, sometimes, he just breech my trust and lie to me.

And when he does that, my world crumbles. Oh yes, my life revolves around him. He probably hates it cos' I'm too clingy. Like I don't have a life of my own. I tried living my own life. And when I did, he forgets about me and he thinks that I'm ok with everything even lying to me.

He says I'm over protective. Fine, I tried not to butt in so much. What happens? He lied to me. All I ask for, is trust. I really want to trust you. Cos I want to be with you so bad. But why do you keep doing this to me?

My friends are all telling me to let you go. Even you, told me to play hard to get with you. You think that's easy? You think playing hard to get with someone you love is so easy? I can't let you go, because I don't see how I can be like without you here by my side. I need you.

Do you know?

by pammie! at 10:22 AM |