Flying Solo

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Beads shopping

I did something really slappable today. I tried to pry into someone else's privacy, but I end up not being able to. I am very ashamed of my actions. But I'm too, very hurt by that person's actions. We were supposed to trust each other. We end up suspecting each other. I don't know what's there's to suspect about me, but the other party has every bit of suspicious action lurking around. Eventually, when I try to find out, I couldn't. But I was in the wrong in the first place, to stick my ugly nose into other people's business. Yet again, my mind was aroused with the curiousity, all caused by him. Why this, why that, why can't he, why can't that? Was I wrong to try to find out why? I think I was wrong to the extend of trying to break someone else's password. It was a promise made between us, that we will not try to log in to anyone's account no matter what. He did not, and I did not. Not until today when I tried, but to no avail. He changed his password, and I wasn't let known of it. I understand its a privacy policy, but he still keeps things from me. And that's something till today, I never understood why.

I know I have to leave him. He's not doing me any good. This man loves me, but only as a friend. I am nothing more than a friend to him, or what he'd call a special friend. My options are closed, but his options are still wide open. My status says attached, but his status says single.

I wish God would give me the strength to leave him, or make him come back to me. Either way. One will kill me but will release him, the other will make me happy but will make him upset.

They always say, live for yourself, not for someone else. How can I do that, when I need someone else to keep me alive. Its not easy for me to move on like this, especially when I'm tied up and not supposed to leave. Sometimes, I think its really unfair for me. Sometimes, I think its really unfair for him. Sometimes, I think its really unfair for us.

I believe he's not cheating, and I can swear on my life that I'm not cheating. I can never cheat behind his back, because I could never find the heart to do so. I've done so many things for him, I can't afford to break his heart (if he does have his heart for me). But things are different for him. He says I'm important to him. He says I'm special. How special and how important am I to him, as a friend? He says we aren't official together.

What is this, high school? I never thought I'd face such a situation in my life. I used to laugh at these people. If you guys are together, you guys are together. If you're not, then you're not. No such thing as 'official'. Then now I realized the type of dilema they face. I don't know how it feels for them when both of them agree to this condition.

But for my case, he agrees and I disagree, its not a nice feeling to me at all. I feel short-changed. Its unfair for me to go through this. But its a price I've got to pay if I love this guy, and I'm paying it with my time, with my life. Does he see what I'm doing? I really doubt so.

Everytime I talk to him about this, I seriously don't know if he listens. Or if he's not matured enough to figure out what I'm driving at. But honestly speaking, I'm tired of this waiting. I really want to move on, move on with him. Because I really believe that if we could be together once more, just once more, we wouldn't be fighting like we are now.

We talked about mutual respect to each other. I promised to stop shouting at him, as long as he lets me know where he goes, what he does. Yet, we're not doing that at all. He says he sees the effort that I put in, and he's the one not putting in the effort. Why so...? He says I don't know.

Then there I was, left bewildered by my own feelings and his feelings. I stand in a x-junction, not knowing which way to go. That's completely how I feel. Worse, I'm all alone in this. Its so difficult trying to relate how I feel to him, cos he has never experienced this in his life. And for me, this is the second time I'm experiencing this, and I still haven't learn from my mistake. I really am supposed to go, but I simply refuse. Because I don't want to lose him.

I used to think he knows my feelings for him were this strong. But now I'm doubting it.

I admit, it was my fault. He once loved me this much too. Yet I pushed him down, time and again. But now I really regret it. And I would love to make it up to him if I could. But he just wouldn't allow it. Nor will time allow it. Now, I still wonder if he loves me just as much. He said his love was fading, but he could feel it come back. But how much is enough?

Because I am really tired. Its not a nice feeling everytime we go out together, we're so happy. And when I go home, it all boils down to, I went out with a friend. He's not a friend to me, and I'm not supposed to be his friend either. Tears would fall down my cheeks everytime I think of it. People would think I'm exagerating, and emotional people might just sympathize me. But the attention I need, all that I really need, is just him.

When a guy stops putting in an effort to be with this girl, should the girl continue to show him her feelings? Though I know the answer is a no, I refuse to believe. Because I know that one day, he will understand how I felt through this whole thing. There is no longer any romance in this friendship that we have. Whatever he sees us as right now, is simply friendship.

But I really don't want it to be just friendship. Cos I love this guy. I really do. I want to trust him. If God could hear me, please just help to heal our souls. If he loves me, please let us be together. But if he no longer does, please make him tell me. So that I could slap myself in the face this time, with proof that he no longer loves me anymore.

I refuse to believe that a third party is behind all these. Cos I have chose to believe that this man loves me. And he will not let a third party come between us. But I am only human. There is just so much I can believe, so much I can see, so much I can feel.

And when all these adds together, they're not giving me an answer I desire. So please Hamdi... If you love me, let us bring this romance back? Because I really love you, and I hope and wish so hard that you could see all of it. Just all of it. When will you come back to me? I really miss my Boy Lintah by my side. Make me smile again, will you?

by pammie! at 12:42 PM |