Flying Solo

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Last piece of straw left in my vein

FREAK OUT
AVRIL LAVIGNE
[UNDER MY SKIN]

Well… I’m blogging this at 1618 PM. When I’m supposed to be working. Nope, didn’t take leave to blog. I’m actually at work, and I’m typing this down in Microsoft Words, to make myself look like I’m doing something as well. :D

The past couple of days have been slow at work. Not that I’m not being productive, but hm… I don’t have anything to do. Or should I say, I’m not given much work to do. I shan’t elaborate down here lest anyone happens to stumble across my work. I won’t be surprise, if I have tons files and papers piled up on my desk tomorrow. *thinks Dilbert*

Going to have my facial later, and I think everything’s going to be in a rush and all. Someone actually intended to come and fetch me (or whatever the plan was). But now, I think I’m going to have to take the public transport down to City Hall myself. I have my limbs anyways. Be independent when I still can, when I’m still young.

Sold one of my bracelets today for $15, and I had another colleague wanting to order another bracelet for me. I feel happy. I’m earning money for myself in one way or another. In other words, I HAVE 3 JOBS! Office work… Tutoring… Accessories-making…

Nah. Nothing to be proud about.

Stumbled across some pictures last night. And I happened to see this picture that had Hamdi, Izzah and Aqilah in it. He was (not surprisingly) close to the both of them. I no longer bother about Aqilah, but its Izzah that really pisses the shit out of me. I mean, look. Ok, I don’t have the facts right, but I don’t care.

I hate her, so its ok if I speculate horrible rumors about her. Well, it might end up to be some scandalous fact anyways.

Ok look. She’s got a boyfriend, and now she’s hanging out in school with this one guy, like super close. Everyone knows his name, but I won’t say it, because I love this guy. He’s a nice guy, she’s not a nice girl. So I’ll plaster her stupid name in every bad way possible.

But anyways, yah! Either you stop driving your stupid boyfriend around in your Toyota and leave him, or just leave that good guy, alone. And the way she calls Hamdi, my goodness…

She calls him like a hooker. And I meant, she’s the hooker.

Eee…

I will forever remember this one incident that happened outside Cineleisure. Call me an elephant, but I do have amazing memories when it comes to horrible ones.

Hamdi and I were out in town, and were walking towards the Kopitiam bus-stop opposite Cineleisure. All of a sudden, there was this voice shouting, “HAMDIII!” Yes! I had to add the extra “II” at the end, because that was how long Hamdi’s name was whenever she, and only she, pronounces it.

She was smiling so happily with her Toyota’s windows down, and someone (guess its one of her many boyfriends) was sitting beside her. She waved like Hamdi was some star, John Travolta maybe?! Not even Taufik Batisah ok, its John Travolta. Imagine how ecstatic she looked.

And when she saw me, she (DUH) reluctantly said, “Hi Pammie…” Oh wow. I really wished she didn’t say anything to me.

So last night, after stumbling across that picture, I didn’t want to talk to Hamdi at all. I know its not his fault, but I just didn’t want to talk to him. You know, the excuse girls give themselves, no mood lah no mood.

Yah. Totally.

And this morning, we started SMS-ing each other. And we were so sarcastic to each other. We obviously have no more love for each other. It felt more like a, “I’m going to have to win this war, damnit!” kind of thing. Yea, the whole damnit thing. There’s no love in whatever we say. I don’t even call this bickering. Its just hate.

And he sent me his last SMS at 1125AM. I was about to go for my lunch too, so I didn’t bother. And till now, I’ve yet to receive anymore replies, nor calls. I didn’t call nor SMS him either. Funny this time, I didn’t feel anger when I saw the pictures. Its more like, ok… What do I say this time?

And I told him that. He said I was giving up on the relationship already. Hell yea, I am. I was expecting him to say things like he was going to give up too. Since there’s no point fighting anymore.

Wait. You actually fought?

I thought I was the one fighting all the time. I asked Mira, what I should do. I put 101% effort into making, or at least making myself think that this relationship could be saved. Time and again, he puts me off. He gives me tales I find it hard to believe and swallow. But when it all comes back to the next morning, I’d be the one who SMS him, first. Ok. Maybe ‘cos I wake up every morning at 6AM, and he, probably much later.

But still, I think I’ve did enough. Mira said she would just ignore and wait for the guy to come back to her. And I did tell her that my love for him is slowly fading. Worse, he doesn’t need me back either. Oh yea, who wants a demanding piece of trash isn’t it.

Well, if he really does love me, I believe he’d love that trash as well. Thing is, I don’t know how he’s going to do that. For sure, I’m tired, and I’m giving up.

I’m sure about my feelings, but I’m not sure about his feelings AND actions. Or should I say, I lack understanding for him? Maybe.

RUN IT
CHRIS BROWN
[CHRIS BROWN]

by pammie! at 11:09 PM |