Flying Solo

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Finally

FROM THE HEART
ANOTHER LEVEL
[ANOTHER LEVEL]

Blogging in the office @ 0949AM

I think I’ve neglected my blog. I abuse it by not uploading any pictures like everyone else does. But, I have no pictures to put up, I realized. Well, I’m not used to have my ugly mug pasted everywhere on the net, I guess. This space is boring man.

I’ve been searching for emo emo songs these days, especially soul, R&B and 90s boyband songs. I was ‘chatting’ with Syaza last night, though I told her not to reply. I just needed a listening ear last night, but not exactly someone to chat with. The sensation is like screaming into the sea, like your troubles have been drowned out by the roaring waves. I spoke to Jing Ting too, also telling her not to reply me. But she still did, just for the fun of it, she told me. She understands me perfectly well. :)

Watched Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs with Hamdi last night, at Downtown East. If you liked Ice Age and Ice age 2, you’ll enjoy Ice Age 3. It’s more or less the same. But I really loved the squirrel and his girlfriend. They were hilarious. Felt like I was watching the movie alone, got to get used to that. Cos’ there’re definitely more to come.

Just a random question to everyone out there, though there’s no answer to this question.
What do friends mean to you, in all situations, be it you’re attached/single, loner/emo/loser/nerd/bitch/slut/girl-next-door/everybody-loves-me-person, orphan/abused etc.?

For my case, my spouse/boyfriend will reign above everyone else. Spouse, family, career, kids (if I do have kids), friends. That’s me, for now at least. I don’t think I have a liking for kids, nor do I have the passion for nurturing them, playing with them, risking my figure for them, and most importantly, my finances. I don’t even have enough for myself, what am I going to give them?! Moreover, I want my wedding to be a lavish and grand one… That’s a lot of money over there already. Nope, no wants for any kids. But I won’t rule out the possibility of adopting a kid… Oh whatever, you’re not Angelina you know.

I don’t have many friends at this point of time, when I’m supposed to be surrounded by lots and lots of friends. I’m a lonely 20 year old. But I still have myself. And I enjoy every bit of spending time on me, myself and I. Just that I do have to admit I want company at some point of time. I would love to party like rockstars with my girlfriends, and party like there’s no tomorrow.

The thought of having millions of boyfriends before I meet my Mr. Right excites me too. But finding those millions of boyfriends is already tough enough, much less that stupid Mr. Right. Lots of people told me Mr. Right would come your way when you least expect him to. I think mine got ran over by a truck.

Oh no. There’s something wrong with my iPod. The song skipped itself.
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

My life seems pretty pointless these days. I’ve been sending my resume to companies to try my luck for a job after my contract here ends. So far, I’ve gotten nothing. Oh! And I just reminded myself that I’ve got to send an email to A*Star. Tsk.

Chatted with Hamdi before our movie yesterday evening. I shared lots of thoughts with him, while he as usual, keeps quiet and exclaims that he didn’t have anything to say when probed.

I told him something that Jing Ting and her boyfriend came up with. They concluded that Hamdi was nothing but a ball-less, insecure, stupid, hopeless Mat. They said he isn’t a guy at all. Well, as much as I beg to differ, I bet Hamdi just took it like passing wind. Went through the left ear, and out the right ear. I know he isn’t that kind of guy though he appears to want to be this way. I was too demanding in the whole relationship in the first place. But Jing Ting doesn’t understand my situation. So there’s no point in me trying to protect Hamdi’s face with her.

Yesterday, I also asked Hamdi a question in the morning, whether or not he wants to salvage this relationship. Last month, when I asked him, he told me he needs more time. Time was given… No answer was given. I couldn’t wait any longer, because I’m here left right center everywhere, not knowing what’s the next time I’m going to take in my life. So I probed him for an answer and to tell me by 10AM. Just a simple answer Yes/No.

He didn’t reply me. I called him, he didn’t pick up his calls. I gave him till 1015AM. Nothing. So I just took matters into my own hands, and I’ll just assume the answer the way I see it, the way his actions are telling me. Actions speak louder than words you know. He called me at 1030AM, telling me he wants to salvage it. It was too late.

You couldn’t even say, I love you. You sure that’s what you want?

To me, sincerity is what counts. If one truly wants to get something done, they would’ve done it within whatever timeframe was given despite the no’s and whatever that comes in between. My grandmother was hospitalized when I was doing my FYP, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be different from all the other students. They can’t jeopardize all students because of me.

If he really wanted to salvage this whole damn thing, he could’ve SMS me at 10AM. He could’ve paid attention to the seriousness in my tone. But I supposed, he didn’t. So I just took matters into my own hands. Still, we went to catch a movie in the evening.

I tried to control my emotions when I met him. Trying to maintain whatever mood I was in, when I was actually still upset and angered by my own actions. Everything went on fine, to me. But I know it wasn’t. Naturally, Bloco came up again, though I hate even the name of it. I abhor it so much that I just can’t stop criticizing it in Hamdi’s face, though I promised myself not to say anything stupid. He seemed totally unperturbed by it. That feeling sucked. I was jealous of him being able to stay this strong, when I was really whoring the heck out of Bloco, his one and only in his life. Why can’t he shout at me and tell me to shut up? I would’ve felt much better.

I told him this, to choose either Bloco or me. If he wanted me, quit Bloco immediately after NDP. He couldn’t give me an answer for that. I no longer want to wait. Its either I give up there now and then, or I’ll have to withstand it when he still wants to continue with Bloco. Bloco is a whole fucking affair he’s having, and I hate it. If Bloco were human, it will be a mistress, a whore, a prostitute, a slut, a bitch, a whole new meaning to the word thief. I hate her.

Yet he defends her, saying that it isn’t her fault at all. The problem lies with him lying to me in the beginning because of a lame Malaysia trip. I was stupid enough to have initiated a break-up with him, and encouraging him to join Bloco. At the end of the day, I’m the one who died. While he’s surviving happily, with his new entourage.

It was all my fault.

Is it nature’s way to produce men and women this way, whereby men perpetually don’t pay attention to their female counterparts? And women on the hand, demands and adores men who pays attention to them and they, the female, in turn take the time and effort to notice every single inch of their men? If that were the case, then there’s definitely so much for me to endure and withstand. No wonder there are the existence of homosexuals on Earth. There’s no way men and women can cohabit with such minimal understanding of each other, or at least for my case.

One thing I’m pretty confident, if a guy no longer tells you things that you long to here (even if its on a once in a while basis), you know well that your relationship is going downhill. Especially when they can’t even muster the 3 words, I Love You, with truth and longing in between.

We had our last supper yesterday night, and though he offered to fetch me home, I decided to walk home myself. He has fetched me far enough from my work place to Pasir Ris, back to Hougang. For that, I’m very appreciative. Though to him, it may well be a routine every time he sees me.

I took a quiet 5 minutes walk back home. And in that short 5 minutes, many decisions were made. Since morning, his late reply left me pondering on what to do next with my own assumptions. So I took my first step last night. Something that I never had the courage to do for the last 2 weeks. I completely ignored him phone call made to me. He called me at 2312PM, probably to tell me he has reached home. My phone vibrated beside me on my computer table. I turned on my iTunes a little louder to distract me. Exaggerating I know.

After the phone stopped ringing, I went to bed, while I left my phone beside my pillow, half anticipating for another call. I might just pick it up. But no. Nothing happened. And I just fell asleep.

Till this morning, when I woke up. I saw a missed call from him at 0001AM. And an SMS from him at 0028AM. I was expecting to see a really touching message from him, telling me about what he felt on whatever we talked that day. Nope. It was about Kaka and Real Madrid. He told me to read today’s newspaper as Kaka would be donning his new Real Madrid white kit.

I just threw my phone aside and went to wash up. I wasn’t angry, nor upset. Just disappointed with myself. Why would I put my time waiting for this man who no longer feels anything for me, so many nights before? Even after asking myself that question, I still waited. My phone’s beside me right now. And I’m quietly waiting for his call or SMS, though I know he’s never going to call. I’m sure he doesn’t know what to say, and he’s busy with his work.

Even if he calls, I may just choose to ignore it, or give him the cold shoulder. I told myself, that if he wants me back, he has to fight for it. And right now, I’m raising the white flag, but all he sees is red. I know he’s not going to fight. Its just an excuse for me to leave him alone and slowly forget him.

I’ve never loved someone this much, it hurts to laugh, because I can’t.

”Pamela pamela pamela!!



You’re my only one!
Haha.

He sent me this when we were still in our honeymoon period. I still save it. And it cuts me to delete it. So I’m just keeping it there, to retain whatever memory’s left between the both of us. I’ve given him the receipts that I’ve collected since our courtship. He might have already dumped it in the dumps or in his cupboard, since its just garbage (literally). I feel brainwashed after that.

I gave him a couple of random questions to answer yesterday. All his answers points to Bloco. I made up lousy questions which were obvious enough to show that I’m already nothing but a forgotten tomb in his heart. Dead.

Sad? Yes.
Angry? No.
Regret? Yes.

Postponed my tuition today to tomorrow, because he said to go out, and spend time together. I think I’ll spend time with my mom instead.

Suddenly I felt a chill down my nose. You know, when tears are running up your tear ducts…


“Aiya… We could’ve counted how much money we spent if we had the receipts with us now…”

This feeling is devastating. I don’t like the taste of my tears and mucus.

DREAMING OF YOU
SELENA
[DREAMING OF YOU]

by pammie! at 11:23 AM |